Our Secret to a Happy Marriage

Separate Bathrooms!!!

Seriously.

Some things just need to be separate.

I actually share the "main" bathroom upstairs with the boys (because I had claimed that big bathroom when we moved in and had no kids.... and now we have to let them use a bathroom too -- go figure) and Jon uses the little one off our bedroom. It's his "man cave" and none of us set foot in it ever.... not even to clean it. He's in charge of that.

It works for us.

We're living happily ever after and I don't have to see whiskers in the sink or other man-related yuckies. (I'm not sure what we'll do once the boys get bigger.... but maybe we'll convert the spare bedroom to a gigantic spa-suite for ladies only!)

Yes, This!

So I just finished my lengthy post about connecting with our spouses rather than taking them for granted---- after midnight, with Jon snoring by my side --- and clicked over to "A Holy Experience" -  a favorite blog of mine. And I found this guest post. Yes! This is what I was trying to say! Amen, sister, amen! Printing it. Pondering it. Hoping to grow and change from it. This is the sentence that pierced my heart:

"I want to make sure it’s people, not projects that occupy the sacred places of my heart."

And this ---

"But twenty two years has taught me love, real love, is two people deciding to stay. Work it out. Fall in love again. And fight for, not against, one another."

More on all this later.... must sleep! Have a great week.

Taking Each Other For Granted

At Mass today our pastor preached about the danger of taking things and people for granted. It's a trap we all fall into and it keeps us from being truly present and able to accept the gifts and grace being offered to us in each moment. It keeps us from bearing great fruit and becoming our best selves. It leads us down a path of entitlement and bitterness. (The tenants in the Gospel account of the Parable of the Vineyard became so focused on their own gain that they ended up choosing a path of evil that led to their destruction.)

I think that this "taking each other for granted" is one of the biggest "eroders" of marriages. As we go about the everyday tasks of living life and raising a family, it's easy to stop really connecting with each other as spouses. We are partners, coordinating schedules and juggling responsibilities. We depend on each other and share a home and a life, but we often stop really communicating, celebrating, and enjoying one another. Our priorities get "out of whack" and we veer off the course we really intend to take.

Jon and I are definitely guilty of this dynamic. We're both super-responsible types.... always looking at what needs to be done. Jon's a natural "helper," always willing to serve the family and do what needs to be done. I'm a "planner," always pushing us forward and getting us into all kinds of adventures. Those are complementary roles. We get a lot done, but it puts us in a cycle of always "doing" and rarely "being."

It's hard for me not to take advantage of Jon's "servant's heart." He'd do anything for me. Do I abuse his willingness to help and his devotion to our family? Do I keep us too busy to really appreciate and enjoy one another?

What's the order of our priorities? I frequently read that it should be God first, spouse second, children third. I/We definitely take God for granted. How much time do we set aside for prayer, service, just resting in the Love of God? When do we tap into the amazing Grace He poured over us when we were married? Instead, we try to keep going and doing things our way in our time.

And the children and their needs definitely get placed before our needs as spouses. I struggle with this one a lot. It would be selfish and inappropriate for us to put off their needs in order to go off and "do what we want to do." Right? I guess that's where careful planning and prioritizing come into play. We simply must do better at carving out time to be together, whether it's going on dates, taking time to truly talk (about more than just the kids), doing special things for one another, doing joint activities we enjoy (watching movies together, playing games, dancing, exercising, etc), or being intimate. Our tendency is to work hard all day and then retreat to our own spaces (physical and mental) to relax and recover.

We --- like countless other couples ---- are taking our relationship for granted rather than nurturing it. If you would have told me twelve years ago that this would happen I would have been dumbfounded. We were living in two different cities and just aching to be together. We never ran out of things to talk about and do when we were together. Now when we do get time to ourselves we laugh at our lack of things to talk about and our desire to just "chill out" or even nap.

All relationships go through stages and seasons. Right now we are busy raising our children and working out the challenges that come with that part of our vocation. I am glad we have the ability to work together, communicate well, and trust one another. However, I don't want to stop learning about each other, having fun, and growing closer through the years. Ultimately, the children will move on with their own lives. But Jon and I  have promised to share the rest of our lives with one another as one. By truly cherishing one another, keeping our lives and hearts closely connected, and continuing to build one another up as well as challenge each other, we're being true to God's plan for us, faithful to our marriage vows, AND effective role models to our children.... showing them how love really should be lived.

I've witnessed and experienced the pain that is caused when couples take each other for granted and grow apart. It's not what God intends for marriage. By taking each other for granted we're neglecting our vocation and hurting ourselves and others. It's a daily decision and ongoing challenge.

What can I do today -- right now --- to connect with my spouse and grow our love? It's never too late and it doesn't have to be something big or perfect. Let's just commit to appreciating one another more, not taking each other for granted, and hopefully enjoying some laughs and tenderness along the way.

On Marriage

Over the past few days I've enjoyed catching up on blog reading. I'm blessed to know (in real life) some lovely, inspiring Catholic bloggers and I really enjoy reading their thoughts and being part of their lives. Some of them are also participating in the 31 Day Challenge. Check out these great blogs:

AnaMaria at http://bottledponderings.blogspot.com/
Nicole at http://justlikemary.blogspot.com/

I must confess that I hastily committed to blog for 31 days after seeing AnaMaria mention it on Facebook. I didn't realize that the actual challenge which she promoted was to blog about one topic for 31 days straight. I just saw it as a way for me to catch up on my blog, which mostly serves as a family scrapbook.

But it just so happens that I do have a topic which has been weighing heavily on my mind, heart, and prayers these days: Marriage.

Unfortunately, I have several friends who are currently struggling with serious difficulties in their marriages. It's really hard to see them hurting so badly. Please join me in praying for them and for all married couples. As with all vocations, marriage has such ups and downs. It's not easy.

I am so blessed and thankful for Jon and our marriage. By no means is our marriage perfect, but it is strong. Later this month we'll be celebrating our 12th anniversary, so this is a great opportunity for prayer, reflection, and discussion about the joys and challenges of our own marriage as well as the Sacrament of Marriage in general and the struggles married couples face in today's society.

So I plan to continue some family scrapbook type posts, but I'm primarily going to focus on thoughts and prayers about marriage. I'd love for you to enter the conversation. Please consider sharing your thoughts, prayers, advice, and other input in the comments. Mostly, please join me in prayer for strong holy marriages.

Prayer of a Married Couple

Lord God, we acknowledge your greatness and our need for your grace in our marriage.

We thank you now for the gift you have given us in each other, this opportunity to love and be loved completely.

We accept this beautiful challenge and ask you to bless us.

May our love encourage us to grow to be holier individuals, bringing out the best in each other.

Following your example, Jesus, may we be quick to forgive, ready with a healing word or touch.

Teach us to speak to each other with charity and honesty.

Help us avoid the temptation to take each other for granted.

Instead, remind us, day by day, to see each other as you see us.

May we be as patient with each other as you are with us.

May our love be generous, reaching out beyond ourselves to all we meet.

We pray that they may meet you in us.

Let our life together be a light of hope to those who fear that a total commitment is not possible today.

Faith gives us courage, for we believe that the love that comes from you is freeing and life-giving.

Lord, be a partner with us in our marriage; with your help it will be strong and enduring.

We rejoice that you have brought us together.

May we always be one in you.

Amen.

-- Lauri Przybysz, 1990

Lauri Przybysz, D.Min.

http://www.marriagemattersbalt.org/ministry/upload/Prayer-of-a-Married-Couple-txt.pdf

Full Disclosure

     You know how you read Facebook and blogs and see the amazing things that other people are doing in their careers, families, homeschool, etc.... and it's so easy to feel inferior. My friends and I have talked about this phenomenon many times. We have favorite bloggers who amaze and inspire us, but we secretly hope they have incredibly messy basements or horribly behaved children. (Just kidding... sort of).

     I tend to post here and on Facebook when we do something awesome or when homeschool really rocks. But I'm posting today --- in full disclosure --- to say that today was NOT one of those days. It just wasn't.

     First of all, it was really boring. We had no special projects or outings planned. Just basic schoolwork to complete.

     Second, it was rainy and gray and windy and blah.

     Third, none of us wanted to do our schoolwork. Especially Adam. It was a day of distractions and whining and negotiating. There may have been some yelling... and crying.

     And no, we didn't finish all of our work. And no, there are no pictures to document the day.

     Tomorrow will be our first time having "Saturday School" to finish up work that didn't get completed on time. It should be a real blast good lesson for boys who are learning about study skills and work ethic and independent work assignments. Pray for us!

     So if you sometimes read this blog or others and are amazed at how other people get it all done and do such amazing things, this post is for you. No matter what choices you make about family, work, schooling, there are always pros and cons, good days and bad days, responsibilities that must be met. It's not always pretty and exciting.

    Our school work is not done. Our house is not clean. We had meatloaf, mac and cheese, and corn for dinner.

     The good news, as always, is that God is with us in it all. We are living, learning, growing together on the good days and the bad, the messy and the pretty. We're helping each other on the way to Heaven and clinging to Jesus all along the way.

     Have a great weekend!

Apples

We've got a fun family tradition of going apple picking with some friends of ours. We had a beautiful warm Sunday outing last week.

 

 

And this year, for the first time, we got together with our friends the next day to make homemade applesauce.

We made 7 1/2 quarts of delicious applesauce!

We finished our evening with some dinner and dessert to celebrate the Feast of the Archangels. Our friend E. is named after one of the Archangels so we celebrated her feast day!

Back to School

Well, we did eventually get back to school. We're about a month into the school year, so I thought I'd post some pictures. ;) Here's a look at our first day (several weeks ago - ha ha) and our re-arranged school room.

 

We're off to a good start. This is the "Year of Writing" in our homeschool as we focus more intensely on developing our writing skills. We've just finished our first unit study about the Middle Ages. We're taking part in a co-op called "American Adventures" where we're learning about the 50 States. We're also doing Catechesis of the Good Shepherd, our Learning Tree co-op, and a monthly book club. Both boys have entered a new phase of learning where they can read and work more independently. (Yay!) Adam is continuing his karate training and Ray is taking part in a homeschool swim team. Adam is a Bear Scout and Ray is a Webelo. I'm an old lady school mom and I'm happy (most of the time).

 

Stay tuned.... I've challenged myself to write everyday this month! Lots of things to catch up on here!