I Can Do This!

I can do this!
I can do this.
Can I do this?
What am I doing?
Aggghhhhh!!!!!

Those of you who get blog envy... and who wonder if you're doing things as well as other families.... will LOVE this post.

I'm hitting a wall this week. I do believe that we are called to homeschool our boys. I know I have the skills to do it. It's fun and interesting and exciting.... AND HARD!

I knew it would be challenging, but I'm really feeling that as we are getting settled into the rhythm of the school year. The newness is wearing off for the boys. We've had lots of whining and frustration.

I'm wondering if my expectations are too high or if I haven't expected enough of the boys and now we are all paying the consequences. I am trying to be with them where they are and lovingly teach them and challenge them. I am trying not to let my expectations and worries and frustrations take hold of me and affect them.

I'm trying to find a rhythm and balance to our days. I'm trying to teach the boys that there are times for free play and there are times for learning and work... that sometimes we need to use self-control and do things we don't really want to do. This has been painful for them and it makes me worry that I'm squashing their love for learning. I am trying to make it hands-on and adventurous and fun.... but sometimes they just need to sit down and listen and complete a task that they don't want to do. They are quite resistant to that.

We are at a crossroads and I want to handle this transition well. I want to help the boys embrace some "big boy" responsibilities in a healthy and happy way. I fear we've coddled them too much. We're trying some new discipline/motivation plans and hoping to see some good results and some happier boys (and parents).

This whole parenting thing - not just homeschooling - is so very humbling and challenging. But it is my monastery. This is the place, the community, where I am learning holiness and practicing the virtues. God has brought me here and gifted me with a loving husband and amazing children.... and all of the laundry, dishes, dirt, whining, worrying, and crying that go with it. Thank you God for all of that.... for all of these opportunities to learn patience, perseverance, humility, and selfless love. Thank you too for all of the laughter, joy, hugs, smiles, dandelion bouquets, love notes, and surprises that go along with it. Thank you mostly for your faithful presence through it all.... for your patience with me when I am not patient with them. Help me, Lord, to grow in love.... to serve you by serving them. I lay my worries at the foot of your cross. I place all my efforts under your guidance. I know you will shape, teach, and form all of us each day if we place our trust in you. Amen.

Last night Jon and I went to a parent meeting for a Montessori / Catechesis of the Good Shepherd class the boys will be attending. One of the moms spoke about some work the older children will doing. She mentioned Hammurabi and Jon and I both cracked up. I felt a fleeting second of panic... (Who is Hammurabi? Was I absent that day? HOW WILL I EVER TEACH ALL THAT IF I AM STRESSED OUT ABOUT KINDERGARTEN?!?!?!?) But then I really felt God laughing with us. I felt that He was patting me on the shoulder and telling me that it's ok... that He will be there to help me when we get there.... that I will have the awesome opportunity to learn what I missed the first time. My initial panic gave way to awe and excitement about all of the possibilities... about the wonderful methods and materials that the boys are (and will be) using to learn. It's so different from the way I learned in school. It's going to be great.

I can't do this...not my way and not on my own.
God CAN do this and is doing this.
With God first.... hand-in-hand with Jon.... with the support and help of family and friends.... with awesome resources and opportunities....
I CAN DO THIS!
I am doing this.
Amen.